Why They Don't Know

           It is hard to determine why it took so long, but I finally realized an important principle about having a disability that is not easily detected by others. Those of us with invisible disabilities know what it is like for people to overlook, minimize, or even doubt that we struggle with a legitimate disability. After all, “You look fine” is the reason for all of the confusion.

            There are two ways we can approach our disability. We make it visible all of the time by making it a primary part of our conversations, and by acting the part. Or, we only talk about it when we have to, and we try to look as normal as possible. I am one of those in the later category.

            I don’t want my issues to be the topic of constant discussion. I want to live my life as well as I can, and try things I know I shouldn’t do. It is a part of who I am and I pay a painful price for doing those things. I get tired of constantly explaining why I must be excluded from activities, or I don’t feel good today, or I need to rest, and recharge my battery (literally, I have to recharge the machine implanted just above my hip twice a week).

            It is not a matter of pride that I hide my disability as much as I do. I just don’t want to turn my issues into other people’s burden. I don’t want to put myself in the position of having people judge me, or think they can give me advice to instantly solve my problems. Then, there are the people who think they can match my issue with their own issues (which almost never stack up). Comparing Stones to pebbles rarely leads to a positive conversation, so I stop talking about my issues and spend my time sympathizing with theirs. People would rather talk about themselves anyway.

            So, here is the important principle that I have discovered. People are not very sensitive to my disability because for the most part, I don’t want them to be. Their responses are my own doing. I should not be bothered by how they respond. It is a byproduct of trying to look and act as normal as possible.

            It does bother me at times when people are not very sensitive. I can get discouraged like every other person with an invisible disability. But, I constantly try to put the whole thing into perspective. In fact, I try to be happy when people tell me that I look fine. It means that I am, in many important ways, “fine”. Their surprise means that I am having some success at being a “normal” person. It means that I have succeeded at not making my disability the main part of my identity. People who really know me understand, and are very generous with their support. To me, that is all that matters.